How to Parent Your Anxious Child

We invited Natasha Daniels, LCSW a child anxiety writer and therapist from Chandler, Arizona to share with us her most valuable tips for parenting anxious children. We hope you find this helpful!

Parenting can be a difficult thing to navigate through, but add an anxious child to the mix and it can be overwhelming. Many parents ask me – “What am I doing wrong? My other children responded to this type of parenting, why isn’t he?” Anxious children tend to thrive with a particular style of parenting. Approaches that may have worked for your other children, may not work on your anxious child. Here are a few basic tips on how to approach your anxious child.

Anxious children are a ball of nervous energy. They absorb energy around them more intensely – regardless of whether it is positive or negative energy. When they are upset, they cannot handle any more negative emotion – including your own. Children need an anchor to support and stabilize them when they are upset. Talk to your child in a low, calm voice. The more escalated your child becomes, the lower and calmer your voice should become.

Often parents misinterpret their child’s behavior as “acting out” when in reality it is due to anxiety. It is crucial to differentiate the origin of the behavior because they should be handled differently. For instance, if your child is repeatedly coming out of their room after bedtime because they are afraid, punishing them or threatening them won’t change the problem. You have to address the origin of the issue – which is how to make your child feel safer in their bedroom.

It is very easy to make life easier for your child by doing things for them. This can be even more of an issue If you have an anxious child. When you do things for them, instead of teaching them how to face their fears, you never give them the chance to overcome their fears. For instance, if your child is afraid to go into a dark room, you can go into the room with them (enabling) or you can encourage them verbally as they do it for themselves. This may happen in small steps – such as turning on the hall light for them or walking them half way there initially.

Some fears may not make sense to you or they may even seem ridiculous! Don’t mock your child or tell them they shouldn’t be afraid. They are. You telling them there is nothing to be afraid of isn’t going to change how they feel. Usually anxious children are sensitive and teasing them about their fears will only make them feel demoralized.

Tough love may work on other children, but it definitely does not work on anxious children. Forcing your child to do something they are anxious to do will only exacerbate the issue. Anxious children need to overcome their fears on their own terms at their own pace. You want to make sure you continue to empower your child and not become complacent about their avoidant behavior – but this is a balancing act.

Parenting anxious children can be confusing and exhausting. When you utilize some of these approaches, you will find that you can de-escalate your child much more effectively and that they will become upset much less often. When you teach your child to feel empowered and you do not enable their fears – they will grow into more resilient, flexible adults!

Natasha Daniels, LCSW is a child therapist with a private practice in Chandler, Arizona. She writes about childhood anxiety and has a blog Anxioustoddlers.com. Her book How to Parent an Anxious Toddler is coming out in September, 2015. You can follow her through facebook at www.facebook.com/anxioustoddlers.